Well how can the end of such a productive week change in minutes John. Just got home from spending a nice day with Lee and Lisa to feel absolutely terrible. I am missing you so much and can't believe how in just minutes I have gone from being ok to a broken down heap of rubbish! I need you so much - I miss you every second of every day and as the year anniversary creeps up on me , I remember every minute of what happened leading up to that day. I have no-one to give me a 'John hug' or stroke my hair like you did every single night. Probably just feeling sorry for myself seeing everyone else making plans for the future when I just cannot see a happy future for me. Brave and cheery face on the outside - crying for what I have lost on the inside. If I knew where you were and that you was in a happy place , it would put my mind at ease but I don't so having the guilty feelings about not being able to look after and care for you Hopefully next time I write I will feel like I am not in that black place again. Love you still with every bone in my body. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx